Lessons in Apathy - A Guide to Not Caring Your Way to Not Unhappiness by Reverend Bob in Humor
1 In the beginning something horrible created the heavens and
the earth. 2 The earth was formless and void and darkness and
so forth was over the surface of the deep whatever, and
something or other was moving over the surface of the waters
for some reason nobody knows. 3 Then God or whatever said,
“Let there be light”: and there, sitting where it seemed there
was nothing but nothing, was a monkey in a tree. 4 After God or
whatever nodded to Himself that his light was working, He
noticed the monkey, who was busy shielding his eyes, and God
or whatever figured, “Meh.” 5 Then, after God or whatever said,
talking to Himself as he was evidently prone to do, “Let there be
an expanse in the midst of the waters, etc., etc.,” and had
moved on to making heaven out of a bunch of terry cloth and
Christmas lights, the monkey’s eyes finally adjusted and he
resumed jerking off in his tree as he had been before all the
fucking bright light came out of nowhere, and that happy little
monkey beat his meat like it owed him a bunch of bananas. 6
Skip ahead a bit when God or whatever came back to make sure
he locked up and said to Himself, “Holy Me, that monkey’s really
going to town,” before turning off the lights and calling it night.
7 The next morning, which is what God or whatever called it
when He turned the lights on again, He continued his tinkering
and mucking about making stars and seasons and whatnot, and
at one point said something along the lines of, “Let the Earth
sprout a bunch of stuff like plants and flowers and stuff”; and it
was so, and God or whatever saw that it was good. 8 And things
were going ok until they stopped and started going totally bad
when God or whatever caught sight of that monkey again, who
not only was still flogging his log with one hand, but was now
also smoking a doobie with the other, which pissed God off big
time. 9 “Who does that monkey think he is, doing nothing but
getting high and jacking it while I have to go to the world and
work all damn day?” God or whatever, being the spiteful, type-A
asswipe He is, said before commencing to go about fixing that
monkey’s wagon, but good.
7
10 And so God or whatever, in all his jealous wrath, made wife
monkeys and landlord monkeys to judge and scold the happy
monkey and demand of him rent, forcing him to get a job and
only get high or make belly yogurt when he could find a spare
moment to himself, which was pretty much fucking never
because if he wasn’t busting his ass his wife was all up in it, and
the once happy monkey was well on his way to evolving into a
sad man, and God or whatever laughed and laughed, because
He’s a jerk.
11 And for years that passed into centuries that passed into
eons man was reduced to having sex with his wife, and the
world was soon filled with more and more men all fighting for
the same crap job to pay his landlord and feed his ugly children,
and God or whatever did laugh some more. 12 “In addition to
needing to work all day to pay for rent and food to feed their
ugly children, let man also crave useless and highly expensive
material objects, and look down upon those who do not possess
such stupid things as being unsuccessful, thereby strengthening
the impulse to make oneself miserable merely to avoid feeling
more shame. Hahaha!” God or whatever said, and He made it
so. 13 Then, as if that weren’t enough, God or whatever, really
feeling like a top shit now, came up with yet another way to
torture the descendants of that blasted masturbating monkey,
and He created self-help authors and personal development
guys to implant in man’s head that he could really be somebody
if he only believed in himself and got super psyched about
setting goals and applying himself to meet those goals, and so
on, and so sadly, it was...
1 In the beginning something horrible created the heavens and
the earth. 2 The earth was formless and void and darkness and
so forth was over the surface of the deep whatever, and
something or other was moving over the surface of the waters
for some reason nobody knows. 3 Then God or whatever said,
“Let there be light”: and there, sitting where it seemed there
was nothing but nothing, was a monkey in a tree. 4 After God or
whatever nodded to Himself that his light was working, He
noticed the monkey, who was busy shielding his eyes, and God
or whatever figured, “Meh.” 5 Then, after God or whatever said,
talking to Himself as he was evidently prone to do, “Let there be
an expanse in the midst of the waters, etc., etc.,” and had
moved on to making heaven out of a bunch of terry cloth and
Christmas lights, the monkey’s eyes finally adjusted and he
resumed jerking off in his tree as he had been before all the
fucking bright light came out of nowhere, and that happy little
monkey beat his meat like it owed him a bunch of bananas. 6
Skip ahead a bit when God or whatever came back to make sure
he locked up and said to Himself, “Holy Me, that monkey’s really
going to town,” before turning off the lights and calling it night.
7 The next morning, which is what God or whatever called it
when He turned the lights on again, He continued his tinkering
and mucking about making stars and seasons and whatnot, and
at one point said something along the lines of, “Let the Earth
sprout a bunch of stuff like plants and flowers and stuff”; and it
was so, and God or whatever saw that it was good. 8 And things
were going ok until they stopped and started going totally bad
when God or whatever caught sight of that monkey again, who
not only was still flogging his log with one hand, but was now
also smoking a doobie with the other, which pissed God off big
time. 9 “Who does that monkey think he is, doing nothing but
getting high and jacking it while I have to go to the world and
work all damn day?” God or whatever, being the spiteful, type-A
asswipe He is, said before commencing to go about fixing that
monkey’s wagon, but good.
7
10 And so God or whatever, in all his jealous wrath, made wife
monkeys and landlord monkeys to judge and scold the happy
monkey and demand of him rent, forcing him to get a job and
only get high or make belly yogurt when he could find a spare
moment to himself, which was pretty much fucking never
because if he wasn’t busting his ass his wife was all up in it, and
the once happy monkey was well on his way to evolving into a
sad man, and God or whatever laughed and laughed, because
He’s a jerk.
11 And for years that passed into centuries that passed into
eons man was reduced to having sex with his wife, and the
world was soon filled with more and more men all fighting for
the same crap job to pay his landlord and feed his ugly children,
and God or whatever did laugh some more. 12 “In addition to
needing to work all day to pay for rent and food to feed their
ugly children, let man also crave useless and highly expensive
material objects, and look down upon those who do not possess
such stupid things as being unsuccessful, thereby strengthening
the impulse to make oneself miserable merely to avoid feeling
more shame. Hahaha!” God or whatever said, and He made it
so. 13 Then, as if that weren’t enough, God or whatever, really
feeling like a top shit now, came up with yet another way to
torture the descendants of that blasted masturbating monkey,
and He created self-help authors and personal development
guys to implant in man’s head that he could really be somebody
if he only believed in himself and got super psyched about
setting goals and applying himself to meet those goals, and so
on, and so sadly, it was...
