I just read an awesome ‘twas night before xmas’ and I thought I would share it those guys who haven’t read it yet. This shit should have been posted during advent but fuck I can’t keep laughing that long.
'twas the night before Christmas, and god it was neat!
The kids were both gone, and my wife was in heat!
The doors were all bolted, the phone off the hook,
It was time for some nooky, by hook or by 'crook.
Momma in her teady, and I in the nude,
Had just hit the bedroom, and reached for the lube.
When out on the lawn there arose such a cry,
That I lost my boner, and my momma went dry.
Up to the window I sprang like an elf,
Tore back the shade, while she played with herself.
The moon on the crest of the snowman we built.
Shoved a broom up his ass, clean to the hilt.
When what to my wonderin eyes should appear?
But a rusty old sleigh and eight manger reindeer!
With a fat little driver, half out of the sled,
A sock in his ear and a bra on his head.
Sure as I'm speaking, he was high as a kite,
And he yelled at his team, but it didn't sound right.
Whoa Shithead, whoa asshole, whoa Stupid, whoa Putz,
Either slow down this rig, or I'll cut off your nuts!
Look out for the lamp post, and don't hit the tree,
Quit shaking the sleigh, 'cause I gotta go pee.
The cleared the lamp post, but the tree got a rub,
Just as Santa leaned out and puked on my shrub.
And then from the roof we heard such a clatter,
As each little reindeer emptied his bladder.
I was donning my jockeys, to cover my ass,
When down the chimney Santa came with a crash.
His suit was all smelly with perfume galore
He looked like a bum and smelled like a whore.
"That was some brothel," he said with a smile,
"The reindeer are pooped, and I'll just stay awhile."
He walked into the kitchen to pour himself a drink,
Then whipped out his pecker and pissed in the sink.
I started to laugh, my wife smiled with glee,
THe old boy was hung nearly down to his knee.
Back in the den, Santa reached for his sack,
But his toys were all gone and some new things were packed.
The first thing he found was a pair of false tits,
The next was a handgun with a penis that spits,
a box filled with condoms was Santa's next find,
and six pair of panties, the edible kind.
A bra without nipples, a penis extension,
And several more things I shouldn't even mention.
A cock ring, a G-string, and all types of oil,
A dildo so long, it lay in a coil.
"This stuff ain't for kids," he said with wit,
"So I'll leave them here, and then I'll split"
He filled every stocking and took his leave,
With one tiny butt plug under his sleeve.
He sprang to his sleigh, but his feet were like lead,
Thus, fell on his ass and broke wind instead.
In time he was seated, took reign of his hitch,
Saying "Take me home Rudolph, This nights been a bitch!"
The sleigh was near gone when I heard Santa shout,
"The best thing about pussy, is you can't wear it out!"
'twas the night before Christmas, and god it was neat!
The kids were both gone, and my wife was in heat!
The doors were all bolted, the phone off the hook,
It was time for some nooky, by hook or by 'crook.
Momma in her teady, and I in the nude,
Had just hit the bedroom, and reached for the lube.
When out on the lawn there arose such a cry,
That I lost my boner, and my momma went dry.
Up to the window I sprang like an elf,
Tore back the shade, while she played with herself.
The moon on the crest of the snowman we built.
Shoved a broom up his ass, clean to the hilt.
When what to my wonderin eyes should appear?
But a rusty old sleigh and eight manger reindeer!
With a fat little driver, half out of the sled,
A sock in his ear and a bra on his head.
Sure as I'm speaking, he was high as a kite,
And he yelled at his team, but it didn't sound right.
Whoa Shithead, whoa asshole, whoa Stupid, whoa Putz,
Either slow down this rig, or I'll cut off your nuts!
Look out for the lamp post, and don't hit the tree,
Quit shaking the sleigh, 'cause I gotta go pee.
The cleared the lamp post, but the tree got a rub,
Just as Santa leaned out and puked on my shrub.
And then from the roof we heard such a clatter,
As each little reindeer emptied his bladder.
I was donning my jockeys, to cover my ass,
When down the chimney Santa came with a crash.
His suit was all smelly with perfume galore
He looked like a bum and smelled like a whore.
"That was some brothel," he said with a smile,
"The reindeer are pooped, and I'll just stay awhile."
He walked into the kitchen to pour himself a drink,
Then whipped out his pecker and pissed in the sink.
I started to laugh, my wife smiled with glee,
THe old boy was hung nearly down to his knee.
Back in the den, Santa reached for his sack,
But his toys were all gone and some new things were packed.
The first thing he found was a pair of false tits,
The next was a handgun with a penis that spits,
a box filled with condoms was Santa's next find,
and six pair of panties, the edible kind.
A bra without nipples, a penis extension,
And several more things I shouldn't even mention.
A cock ring, a G-string, and all types of oil,
A dildo so long, it lay in a coil.
"This stuff ain't for kids," he said with wit,
"So I'll leave them here, and then I'll split"
He filled every stocking and took his leave,
With one tiny butt plug under his sleeve.
He sprang to his sleigh, but his feet were like lead,
Thus, fell on his ass and broke wind instead.
In time he was seated, took reign of his hitch,
Saying "Take me home Rudolph, This nights been a bitch!"
The sleigh was near gone when I heard Santa shout,
"The best thing about pussy, is you can't wear it out!"
