Ok, I wasted half the day reading stupid ass craigslist rants! That shit cracks me up. I seriously wasted the day with this!! I have lost my damn mind. 
Have you guys seen this yet?
Have you guys seen this yet?
craigslist rants
- Thread starter xecutech
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Post up a couple of the good ones. The last CL thing that I saw that was fucking hilarious was the one with the woman that wanted a guy that makes half a mil a year, and then the response from the investment banker that called her a "depreciating asset" and asked about leasing opportunities. GOLDEN!
Yeah Dave, I seen that one. I was reading through the best of craigslist and saw it. Some people who post this stuff just cracks me up. I will copy and paste a few of the better posts when I check back later.
Here's 2 for your amusement.
To the a$$hole that left his half drunk coffee on the bus......
FUCK YOU! Your back washed, stinky ass coffee spilled all over my jeans. You're an asshole. I hope you get by a car or even better a TTC bus and lose both your arms so you can never drink that shit again! DIE DIE DIE!
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I am still traumatized
That 2girls1cup thing. Here I thought it was a little innocent girl on girl action in an office setting. I had no idea what was to happen next. I really tried to look away and even laughed at the reactions. But the images are burned in my head. That video has to be the single most disgusting thing I have ever seen. I really could have done without seeing that. I will no longer click on any links in this section again.
To the a$$hole that left his half drunk coffee on the bus......
FUCK YOU! Your back washed, stinky ass coffee spilled all over my jeans. You're an asshole. I hope you get by a car or even better a TTC bus and lose both your arms so you can never drink that shit again! DIE DIE DIE!
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I am still traumatized
That 2girls1cup thing. Here I thought it was a little innocent girl on girl action in an office setting. I had no idea what was to happen next. I really tried to look away and even laughed at the reactions. But the images are burned in my head. That video has to be the single most disgusting thing I have ever seen. I really could have done without seeing that. I will no longer click on any links in this section again.
DICTIONARY FOR DECODING WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS:
Date: 2007-10-05, 6:18AM PDT
Ø 40-ish..................................49.
Ø Adventurous..........................Slept with everyone.
Ø Athletic................................No breasts.
Ø Average looking.....................Moooo.
Ø Beautiful..............................Pathological liar.
Ø Emotionally Secure..................On medication.
Ø Feminist...............................Fat.
Ø Free Spirit.................................Junkie.
Ø Friendship first.......................Former Slut.
Ø New-Age.........................Body hair in the wrong places.
Ø Old-fashioned........................No B.J.'s
Ø Open-minded.........................Desperate.
Ø Outgoing..............................Loud and embarrassing.
Ø Professional................. ..........Bitch.
Ø Voluptuous...........................Very fat.
Ø Large frame...........................Hugely fat.
Ø Wants soul mate.....................Stalker.
Date: 2007-10-05, 6:18AM PDT
Ø 40-ish..................................49.
Ø Adventurous..........................Slept with everyone.
Ø Athletic................................No breasts.
Ø Average looking.....................Moooo.
Ø Beautiful..............................Pathological liar.
Ø Emotionally Secure..................On medication.
Ø Feminist...............................Fat.
Ø Free Spirit.................................Junkie.
Ø Friendship first.......................Former Slut.
Ø New-Age.........................Body hair in the wrong places.
Ø Old-fashioned........................No B.J.'s
Ø Open-minded.........................Desperate.
Ø Outgoing..............................Loud and embarrassing.
Ø Professional................. ..........Bitch.
Ø Voluptuous...........................Very fat.
Ø Large frame...........................Hugely fat.
Ø Wants soul mate.....................Stalker.
Ok, one more, but this one is funny:
Open Letter to the Roaches in My Apartment
Date: 2007-09-23, 2:08PM EDT
Good afternoon, you scuttling bastards.
I tried to be reasonable with you. At first, we had a stable relationship. I knew you were there, and every now and then I'd see one of you, but in general you kept quiet and had the good sense to scurry for hiding when I turned the lights on. One of you periodically stepped out of line, and had to be squashed, and then everything went back to normal. If you had just continued in that manner, we could have lived this entire year in peaceful coexistence.
But no, you had to get greedy. I began to see you more frequently, and in larger numbers. Your lights-on scurry grew slower and slower and became more of a relaxed trot, then a walk. Eventually, you had the audacity to sit right where you were and shake your head feelers at me. You had gone too far. It was time for war.
I began periodic sweeps of the apartment, armed with paper towels, and squashed anything that moved. I removed every possible food source from anywhere you might be able to reach it, even adding extra layers of wrapping to items in the fridge, just in case one of you somehow managed to make it inside. A couple of times, I even turned the lights off and stood motionless for five minutes, then flicked them back on and rained horrible death upon whichever of you had been lured out. I really thought this would have been enough to make my point.
However, you continued to defy all logic and reasoning, and to multiply and grow bolder. Three of you ran across my foot once; I killed two, but left one alive (but severely maimed) to tell the tale... clearly, you were beginning to affect my sanity, and I needed to up the ante in order to regain the upper hand in the battle for control of my apartment. So, I added the roach spray to my arsenal. This had little effect and made my apartment smell extremely questionable; I guess you vermin won that round.
I notified the management company, who has always been very responsive to any problem I have had with the place. There was some vague talk of fumigating or spraying or some other unspecified pest removal solution; somehow it kept falling through the cracks, and nothing ever happened. Well, I'm not sure who you bribed or threatened for that little stunt, but it was time to show you little 6-legged thugs that I wasn't afraid of you, no matter what kind of "connections" you had.
I had no alternative, I had to buy the roach poison traps. The way these are supposed to work is this - the cockroach smells the tasty poison/food, wanders into the trap, eats, returns to his/her hiding place, and then dies. The practical result is that they should appear to vanish from your home like magic. However, you at my apartment had grown not only bold, but complacent. After eating, you all just kinda decided to hang out for a while, and as a result died in an odd sort of corpse constellation across my kitchen floor.
The destruction was horrific. Some of your dead were being carried off by those who survived, almost like soldiers dragging the wounded into foxholes. Many of you were still twitching, apparently writhing in agony from the effects of the poison. The ravages of war are never pretty, and being a gentle person, part of me felt a little bit of remorse.
But now you know that it is, as they say, "on", and I'll push you fuckers all the way back to apartment 601 if I have to...
Sincerely,
Fellow Apartment Dweller/Agent of your Doom
Open Letter to the Roaches in My Apartment
Date: 2007-09-23, 2:08PM EDT
Good afternoon, you scuttling bastards.
I tried to be reasonable with you. At first, we had a stable relationship. I knew you were there, and every now and then I'd see one of you, but in general you kept quiet and had the good sense to scurry for hiding when I turned the lights on. One of you periodically stepped out of line, and had to be squashed, and then everything went back to normal. If you had just continued in that manner, we could have lived this entire year in peaceful coexistence.
But no, you had to get greedy. I began to see you more frequently, and in larger numbers. Your lights-on scurry grew slower and slower and became more of a relaxed trot, then a walk. Eventually, you had the audacity to sit right where you were and shake your head feelers at me. You had gone too far. It was time for war.
I began periodic sweeps of the apartment, armed with paper towels, and squashed anything that moved. I removed every possible food source from anywhere you might be able to reach it, even adding extra layers of wrapping to items in the fridge, just in case one of you somehow managed to make it inside. A couple of times, I even turned the lights off and stood motionless for five minutes, then flicked them back on and rained horrible death upon whichever of you had been lured out. I really thought this would have been enough to make my point.
However, you continued to defy all logic and reasoning, and to multiply and grow bolder. Three of you ran across my foot once; I killed two, but left one alive (but severely maimed) to tell the tale... clearly, you were beginning to affect my sanity, and I needed to up the ante in order to regain the upper hand in the battle for control of my apartment. So, I added the roach spray to my arsenal. This had little effect and made my apartment smell extremely questionable; I guess you vermin won that round.
I notified the management company, who has always been very responsive to any problem I have had with the place. There was some vague talk of fumigating or spraying or some other unspecified pest removal solution; somehow it kept falling through the cracks, and nothing ever happened. Well, I'm not sure who you bribed or threatened for that little stunt, but it was time to show you little 6-legged thugs that I wasn't afraid of you, no matter what kind of "connections" you had.
I had no alternative, I had to buy the roach poison traps. The way these are supposed to work is this - the cockroach smells the tasty poison/food, wanders into the trap, eats, returns to his/her hiding place, and then dies. The practical result is that they should appear to vanish from your home like magic. However, you at my apartment had grown not only bold, but complacent. After eating, you all just kinda decided to hang out for a while, and as a result died in an odd sort of corpse constellation across my kitchen floor.
The destruction was horrific. Some of your dead were being carried off by those who survived, almost like soldiers dragging the wounded into foxholes. Many of you were still twitching, apparently writhing in agony from the effects of the poison. The ravages of war are never pretty, and being a gentle person, part of me felt a little bit of remorse.
But now you know that it is, as they say, "on", and I'll push you fuckers all the way back to apartment 601 if I have to...
Sincerely,
Fellow Apartment Dweller/Agent of your Doom
I think I like this one
Dear Booty Call:
We have an animal attraction. If I happen to want some good sex, I'll call you. Sometimes you're free, sometimes not. Sometimes you call me. Sometimes I'm free, sometimes I'm not. You are good in bed; we are good in bed together. The only irritating thing in this otherwise perfect arrangement is that big fat ego of yours. While you have made it clear that you do not want a relationship, you reeeeealllly don't seem to buy the fact that I'm not emotionally attached to you. You are puzzled that I don't call you more often, and even more shocked when I don't want to spend the whole night together. Get over it. A few reasons why this is:
1. I CONSIDER YOU A PIECE OF MEAT. Know how you just want to fuck? Yep, that's right...I just want to fuck too. I know you think you are god's gift and the smartest person alive, but you are not. The bonus of a booty call? Less talking. More fucking.
2. Personally, I don't really like you. You aren't that interesting, or very nice. You are good looking and have good *assets*. Perfect for what I need you for. Done deal.
2. I like my space. I like it better with only me in it.
3. My bed is fucking awesome, and I don't like to share. Especially with someone who snores, steals the covers, and sweats profusely. Don't get me wrong - a little sleep sweat is fine. Enough sweat to cover us both AND make me think you pissed on the sheets? Not acceptable. Please exit the premises when activities have come to a full and complete stop.
FYI - If I wanted a relationship, I would stop sleeping with you and find someone I can actually tolerate outside of the bedroom.
Sincerely,
Your fuck buddy
Dear Booty Call:
We have an animal attraction. If I happen to want some good sex, I'll call you. Sometimes you're free, sometimes not. Sometimes you call me. Sometimes I'm free, sometimes I'm not. You are good in bed; we are good in bed together. The only irritating thing in this otherwise perfect arrangement is that big fat ego of yours. While you have made it clear that you do not want a relationship, you reeeeealllly don't seem to buy the fact that I'm not emotionally attached to you. You are puzzled that I don't call you more often, and even more shocked when I don't want to spend the whole night together. Get over it. A few reasons why this is:
1. I CONSIDER YOU A PIECE OF MEAT. Know how you just want to fuck? Yep, that's right...I just want to fuck too. I know you think you are god's gift and the smartest person alive, but you are not. The bonus of a booty call? Less talking. More fucking.
2. Personally, I don't really like you. You aren't that interesting, or very nice. You are good looking and have good *assets*. Perfect for what I need you for. Done deal.
2. I like my space. I like it better with only me in it.
3. My bed is fucking awesome, and I don't like to share. Especially with someone who snores, steals the covers, and sweats profusely. Don't get me wrong - a little sleep sweat is fine. Enough sweat to cover us both AND make me think you pissed on the sheets? Not acceptable. Please exit the premises when activities have come to a full and complete stop.
FYI - If I wanted a relationship, I would stop sleeping with you and find someone I can actually tolerate outside of the bedroom.
Sincerely,
Your fuck buddy
Dear hole in my shoe;
Why must your torment me so? All I ever wanted to do was put a pencil in you. Now I have to replace you.
Life isn't fair.
Signed,
My Right Foot
Why must your torment me so? All I ever wanted to do was put a pencil in you. Now I have to replace you.
Life isn't fair.
Signed,
My Right Foot
I just saw this in the "Free" Section of CL (and you know what nazis the are in the free section, who knows how long it will stay up)
FREE WIFE, YOU PICK UP
Reply to: sale-496788053@craigslist.org
Date: 2007-12-02, 6:41PM PST
Free to good home, in fact, it don't need to be that good. Must have a big fridge in order to contain all the food she eats. Can possibly deliver up to 1000 miles for no fee. Can send pics but I warn you, you might change yer mind.
FREE WIFE, YOU PICK UP
Reply to: sale-496788053@craigslist.org
Date: 2007-12-02, 6:41PM PST
Free to good home, in fact, it don't need to be that good. Must have a big fridge in order to contain all the food she eats. Can possibly deliver up to 1000 miles for no fee. Can send pics but I warn you, you might change yer mind.
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