Balls Deep…Linking: The Art of Seducing and Satisfying Google with Style

Yuma504

Yuma504

fear mongering asshat
Feb 14, 2011
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New Orleans,LA
Hysterical stuff....

http://nickleroy.com/seducing-and-satisfying-google

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Posted on February 21st, 2012. Written by Nick LeRoy.

Note from Nick: This is this sites first ever guest blog post. It’s from a very tall friend of mine who chose to remain anonymous. For simplicity reasons we will just refer to him as “Hattori Hanzo”. As mentioned below in the disclaimer this post is all in fun SEO satire and not intended to be taken seriously. If you’re offended feel free to remove yourself from the RSS feed.

Disclaimer (Parental Discretion): Before you read any further, please know that this post contains plenty of vulgar language and quite a bit of sexual innuendo. It is all written in good fun. If you feel that you cannot develop a sense of humor or tolerance for the certain words (fuck, being one of them) by the end of this fucking paragraph you shouldn’t keep reading. You need something a little bit more vanilla.

The Cold Hard Truth (PPC vs. SEO)

Regardless of what people like to think, all Internet Marketing disciplines are not created equal and do not work the same. To better understand that concept we need to examine a Webmaster’s relationship with Google as a real-life relationship.

The “Art” of PPC (aka Paid Love)

In this analogy Google is the high-class hooker that you meet at the casino bar. She will probably buy you a drink (the $100 AdWords voucher), she will talk sweet nothings into your ear and convince you to spend your harder earned money on a wild night with her. At this point, you are thinking that this girl is special and that she probably really likes you. She’s fun. She’s hot and most likely swallows (assuming that you pay enough). If you are a high-roller, she will keep coming back to you, but if you are not, chances are that you will wake up in the morning, she will be gone with all your money and you will be left behind holding your meat.

The Real Art of SEO

We all know that lasting relationships do not get built that way. Dating a money-lovin’ hoe (even if she’s not an actual hooker – no, I don’t want to pay your bills) will only get you into trouble and leave you heartbroken. And this is where SEO comes in. SEO represents how a successful and long-standing relationships should be built. You need to put in the time and effort to make things happen.

Below is a balls deep … linking blueprint on how to successfully seduce, date and satisfy Google.

Dating Ain’t Easy: You Need to Put the Time In

You have asked Google to go out with you and she said yes. Maybe she heard you have an awesome keyword-rich URL, a .org TLD, and an awesome SEO-friendly CMS to go with it. So you are waiting all week for Saturday night and getting your shit together (yes, this is fucking high school). You have written some kick-ass content, optimized the shit out of it and have even talked to some friends of yours to put in a good word for you (quality links) during the week. Google has probably also done her homework by doing a background check on you and looking at your Webmaster Tools. You have taken care of that shit and you know you are golden.

Saturday night is here. You are looking fresh in that brand new WordPress design and all your plug-ins have you feeling good and confident. You take her out for dinner and a movie (possibly a roco) and you are giving her a chance to get to know you (you are a swell guy and have nothing to hide afterall). You are treating her like the lady that she is, but at the same time you do want to show her that you are the alpha-wolf and that you are the next big thing in the insurance vertical.

At this point you also know that she will put not out on the first date. This is insurance Google that you have taken out, not Duluth MN SEO Google (she puts out much easier). The date goes well, you drop her off at home and you ask her out again. Assuming that you have not done anything to fuck it all up, she will say yes. Fast forward a few weeks or couple of months and you are now on your 10th date. You are still putting in the time to get to know her, show her what you are all about (more content) and have some more people around the school tell her how awesome you are (even more contextual links baby). At this point you can also introduce her to your brother who is in college – unless he is an asshole, he will of course give you a glowing review (and there goes the .edu link – boom goes the dynamite).

And just like that you are out of the sandbox and very close to her box. You 10th date went as well as you expected and you my friend have earned yourself a trip to the show. You are now making out on her couch for a while and when light touching turns to heavy petting it is the time to play a game we like to call …
 


Just The Tip … Linking

At this point, you are probably thinking to yourself: “Holy shit, this is actually happening!!!!” and this is the point where most Webmasters blow it. Don’t be that guy. Don’t get overaggressive. Keep putting the work and time in and keep showing Google that organic growth that she is looking for. Remember, so far she has only seen and heard good things about your awesome home page and even though she knows of your deep pages, now is the time to show her the quality. Deep inside you knew this day was coming so you prepared. You probably man-scaped (is that a word? I think it is) by already building some pretty good links to your “content package” and it pays off. She is thoroughly impressed and she is ready to make some bad decisions. This is where you suggest playing that little game called “just the tip … linking”. Just for a second, just to see how it feels. As expected, IT FEELS AWESOME, and up the ranks you climb. 3rd page, still climbing and you’ve only started. Time for some advanced SEO moves. Go after that long-tail like a boss.

Balls Deep … Linking (Advanced SEO)

Take your linking, balls deep to levels she never even knew existed.

The diagram below shows how you how to do it! This technique – “The Triangle of Love”, is based on the premise that you have an additional site with some PR that you can use to your advantage and that a 301 redirect transfers 1.5 times the link value of a regular links (Matt Cutts confirmed). It also makes temporary use of the power of the 302 (you don’t want to let that juice out too early) as a temporary buffer to algorithmic ecstasy. This is what you should be working on while in the sandbox.

balls-deep-...-linking-diagram-1.png




The graphic above might resemble a link wheel, but it’s not a fucking link wheel. It’s a link triangle. Big difference! Here are the steps:

From the awesome content of your secondary site at the bottom of your triangle you link to two other sites with similar anchor text to the one you are using on the deep page (Awesome Blossom Deep Content Page) of your money site.

You 302 redirect those sites to another 2 sites (no content needed)
You then again 302 redirect those sites to one final site at the tip of the pyramid. (no content needed)

From the tip of the pyramid you place one final 302 redirect to a page on the site with similar content as your money page – Near Duplicate Awesome Blossom Balls Deep Content Page.

Needless to say, you have just set the stage for something magical to happen. No juice yet, but all the piping is there and ready to go. The two final steps to this technique is what we call …

The Money-Shot

And now, it’s time to blow … Google’s mind and put the finishing touches to an outstanding SEO performance that will have Google keep coming back for more. Take a look at the updated diagram.

balls-deep-...-linking-diagram-2.png



Turn the 302 redirects to 301 redirects and transfer all the juice you have been working on to the tip of the triangle and then on to the near duplicate content page! At this point you might be wondering why the fuck I would transfer all that juice to a duplicate content page (Google doesn’t like that after all, or does she?) instead of an original content page. If so, keep fucking reading and stop interrupting. There is a very good reason.
CANONICAL and release all that juice to your Awesome Blossom Deep Content Page (Money Page) at once.

Listen to Google scream the 3 little words that every Webmaster wants to hear: “NUMBER 1 RANKING!!!!!!!” and “Double listing for the canonical”. Happy now? You better be.


Warnings

Remember that this was a few weeks/months worth of juice (depending on how long you were in the sandbox) that you just released on your money page! That is almost 11.4 points of PR awesomeness – 5 301 redirects and a canonical = 1.5 worth of PR juice to the sixth power (remember the premise of this technique). That is a lot of juice for a page 1 to handle and you might want to grab a towel. You need to be mindful of the sites that now rank below you. Actually you don’t and your link juices are the least of their problems, because you also just shit on them on your way up. Good times! Welcome to the Google layer cake folks.

Throughout this beautiful experience, you might have noticed that there is a big-ass Panda bear sitting in the corner of the room watching the whole thing, fondling itself (pervert) and waiting to pounce on you if you get out line – the closest you might have gotten was the duplicate content page, but you planned and you came through. Needless to say that pulling off an advanced SEO technique like this, gives you the right and the responsibility to tell the Panda (on behalf of the entire SEO world) to “shut the fuck up” and go eat some bamboo or you will straight up murder its almost extinct ass.
That is all. Rinse and repeat for the next page and next page and the next page. Google is smitten and you my friend can do no wrong. Monetize like your life depended on it. If you didn’t murder that Panda though watch your ass. You never know what the crazy, furry bastard might do.
 
Yeah your Promising is good.But many of them went Back because of Blogging.Private Blogs are now getting Punished by "G" .SEO Experts trying and fighting very hard to find what the solution is.But this seems promising and you explained well too.Lets see after some reviews from some good Experts..
 
getrank said:
Yeah your Promising is good.But many of them went Back because of Blogging.Private Blogs are now getting Punished by "G" .SEO Experts trying and fighting very hard to find what the solution is.But this seems promising and you explained well too.Lets see after some reviews from some good Experts..
Click to expand...

Define "SEO Experts"

Define "good Experts"
 
lol at comment:

Marie Haynes:
Nick, are you sure you want this on your blog? I stopped reading it because it was disgusting. Do you really want your clients, or potential clients reading this?
Click to expand...
 
ITT I learned that not only do SEOs think if they have enough sites that don't make any money it'll somehow magically become profitable, but also if they spew enough unfunny somehow the end result will be hilarious.
 
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