Some more Jimmy Carr:
My father always used to say, "What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger," - 'til the accident.
My girlfriend said she wanted me to tease her, so I said "Alright, fatty."
Throwing acid is wrong, in some people's eyes.
When someone close to you dies, move seats.
I have no problems with buying tampons. I am a fairly modern man. But apparently they're not a "proper" present. "Happy birthday, mum!"
I say no to gay marriage. It'll end up leading to gay divorce, and that'll be bitchy.