Well when we finally do invite you and you get your club card, hold onto that shit tight. The illuminati are total dicks if you lose your member card. I once went into the illuminati office over at Mockingbird and 15th street, you know the one between the 24 Hour Fitness and the Ace Cashway Express? The kid behind the desk didn't even do the secret handshake, he just rolled his eyes. I told him I just needed a new membership card so I could get a black helicopter scheduled for following around my girlfriend cause I'm pretty sure she is cheating on me. He said only a manager could approve a new card and he was currently out making plans to tell Obama put BP into receivership and then he had to pick his kid up from school. I didn't realize operating the laminator was such a sensitive subject but apparently once a member of the Senior Enlightened replaced the picture on his card with Alex Jones' picture and nobody noticed for like two months!! Talk about an embarrassment for the Cleveland Branch Overseers. So then I asked if I could just get a temporary paper card until tomorrow, but I was told no and that if I need to authenticate myself to any other Members I was just going to have show them my Illuminati scrotum tatoo. I finally gave up and left, I was so pissed that I decided to blow off some steam I would call Equifax and have them lower the credit scores of everybody in the 75201 zip code by 80 points. That made me fell a little better but I still didn't have the helicopter to follow my chick which started the whole mess.
.... Long story short, don't lose your illuminati member card.
