OP -
The cruel thing about addiction is that those caught in it are the least able to help themselves out of its death spiral (disregard anyone telling you to "man up" or "use your brain" or whatever - they cannot relate to this stuff). When I had to cut alcohol and drugs from my life I had to ask for the help (NOTE: I found it in the front of the phone book) because I was not getting there through will power alone.
Now, in addition to being a blackout drunk I also twice borrowed money from guys in Queens, NY who bankroll bars to get out of gambling debt. Both times I used the borrowed money to gamble out of a hole and make a nice nut for myself on top.
But have you ever heard that saying "third times a charm"? I learned what it means the hard way. Long story short family had to bail me out with straight up cash or I was going to get a lump on my head.
Degenerative gambling is pure insanity. My insane decision making, when viewed objectively and along chronological terms, creates a long and clear cut pattern that's impossible to deny. And no hand of cards, streak at the track, or backdoor cover could ever dent that pattern. And yet I was defenseless for years.
Humbled, I asked for help and got more than I ever repay in return by the fellowship. Best, craziest, and most helpful people in the world can be found in recovery. You have to ask yourself whether you're ready for this kind of thing. I personally learned that things never get better on their own.
Someone said earlier "difference between a poor man and rich man is that a rich man plans for 4 years while a poor man plans for the weekend" - there's a lot of wisdom in that and it's not even confined to financial wisdom.
To fill the void I boost self-esteem with esteemable (sp?) acts and practice honesty with my fellows to keep the ego in check. Grounded, I make better decisions and commit myself to help those who need it. Soon enough longer plans, extending beyond this weekend, materialize as does a wakened confidence to meet challenges head on - and not to flee.
And soon enough the idea of drinking/using/gambling becomes so self-centered to me that to do so today is an absurd idea.
I've seen the inside of GA meetings. Good people, I related to most of it. Turns out the plan of living I get from another meeting (again, think beginning of the phone book) is so effective for me that it more than covers my preponderance to abuse drugs and gambling.
I've come to believe it all the same thing pretty much anyway.
Feel free to PM me.
