dude you MUST take action now. that's flat crazy. either get her out now or GTFO yourself, period.
What Do You Do When Your Kids Want To Kill You?
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dude you MUST take action now. that's flat crazy. either get her out now or GTFO yourself, period.
Glad you got professional help involved Ice.
As for her never doing drugs or alcohol - sorry bro, that is a massive leap of faith on any parents part (not judging). Also, you can never be entirely sure of her circumstances before she became your stepdaughter, something usually triggers this type of mental breakdown, or in this case, sociopathic tendencies and behavior. It could be something your GF isn't even aware of. Not sure of her history or her mothers so I can't really comment, but like I said, I'm glad you got professional help involved.
Sorry to hear it bro and good luck with it.
As for her never doing drugs or alcohol - sorry bro, that is a massive leap of faith on any parents part (not judging). Also, you can never be entirely sure of her circumstances before she became your stepdaughter, something usually triggers this type of mental breakdown, or in this case, sociopathic tendencies and behavior. It could be something your GF isn't even aware of. Not sure of her history or her mothers so I can't really comment, but like I said, I'm glad you got professional help involved.
Sorry to hear it bro and good luck with it.
She's 15, not 17, so she doesn't have an awful lot of unsupervised time in her week. It's mostly school, and then home for her, sometimes she stays after school to study. I suppose it's entirely possible she's using something, although her opportunity to do so would be severely limited by the amount of time she has available and her general lack of funds. I haven't noticed anything missing from the house, so she's not stealing things, and I act as her bank, and she hasn't asked for money in weeks...
Still, I suppose anything is possible.
That post wasn't really aimed at you, your situation is definitely different. While for you I quite liked what someone suggested of saying the boyfriend told you (kill 2 birds with one stone), but that's a very risky strategy, as she could very easily end up believing the boyfriend. My post was mainly directed at people who make a habit of openly snooping on their childrens' phones etc, rather than the exceptional circumstances here.
The mental health crisis worker who came to the house suggested honesty here, so we went with "we've been worried about your behavior, which is why we looked at your phone, to see if there was something going on we could help you with"
This explanation is 100% the truth, and while I sympathize with her feeling like her privacy has been violated, it's not actually her phone, she doesn't pay the bills, and the computer she uses to communicate is a family computer, on a network that I manage, with an internet connection I pay for, so none of it is really hers.
I don't know if I'd feel differently about reading a diary or something similar, probably not, if it was in my house, but I wouldn't make a practice of snooping around unless I really though something was wrong.
When you accidentally see a message to the effect that the idea of murder is sexually arousing to your 15 y/o stepdaughter, something is wrong, and we felt justified in probing further.
Her conversations to the bf are her way of venting her anger/frustrations. Consider yourself lucky that she had an outlet to channel it. Because, its the ones who bottle it all in that end up actually following through with their horrific fantasies. My advice, monitor all of her communication but do it secretly. Sending her to a psych is like much like attacking the branches instead of the root. Not only will it humiliate her, it will multiply her animosities. If you are serious about fixing this then you need to take some personal accountability and bring your entire family to counseling but I would leave her dark fantasies out of it, at least in the beginning. She's just a teenager man, understand that however this plays out will affect the rest of her life, be delicate.
Hi Ice, sorry to hear this.
No matter how this turns out, Teenage Stupidity thinking such things are funny to talk about or she is/was serious, both you and your girlfriend will never be able to trust her as you once did. You will always have this in the back of your minds.
So "you" will have to decide how to deal with it within yourself as well. Your GF will be hit harder by this than you so keep that in mind also.
I have no answers for you. I can only try to forewarn you of things you may need to think about that may not have crossed your mind while in the moment of crisis tonight.
Unfortunately the die has now been cast for a long lasting mental/emotional wound that will need attention for some time to come. I wish you well and think that you are doing the best that you can at your present level of awareness.
I commend you for taking action. You cannot Mollycoddle her in this situation. It was her who initiated this by using either poor judgement or having a problem she doesn't understand how to deal with properly.
Since you are an adult filling the role of a parent/guardian of your GF's daughter's welfare & the rest of the family, you are doing the natural thing here.
No child under legal age has any such thing as a "RIGHT" to total privacy. They are still LEARNING how to interact with the world around them as their Biology changes and their minds are learning how to function. As parents it is our duty to instruct and guide them to the best of our ability so that they can have a full life. Whatever that might turn out to be.
We must also PROTECT them and ourselves. If you were teaching her to shoot a gun and she pointed it at you or looked down the barrel or pointed it at her foot while it was loaded you would stop her and then explain WHY those actions are DANGEROUS and unacceptable right?
As with anything (Thoughts or Actions) that could harm her or others, you would want/need to intervene to protect and teach her a WISER WAY of doing or thinking.
I got to deal with both my own children (2 daughters) and older step children (Son & Daughter older than my own.) through various marriages.
My experience may give you something to think on, I dunno?
I was in my step daughter's life from the time she was 12 until she was 19 years old and went into the Army to piss off her Biological Father.
As she was growing up she had told me on many occasions that she hated how her Mother seemed to pay me so much attention and that she was jealous of it.
Her mother let her get away with WAY to many things in "my" eyes. She wanted to be her daughter's FRIEND, not her Mother. Well, I had already been a father of two girls for sometime before Her and her children had come into my life. So, I was just going to be their Step-Dad. Not their friend.
Their Mother use to get upset when I wouldn't let them have their way. And even more upset if I were to discipline them. ( I never hit, spanked, or did anything physically harsher than restrain them from trying to hit someone.)
A few years after their Mother and I were divorced & they were adults now, the daughter was pregnant and got an abortion but didn't tell the family. She called me that night after she had it done and was beside herself. I talked her through her feelings over the phone and felt her PAIN as best as I could.
A week later I get a call from her Mother (My now Ex.) who proceeds to BITCH ME OUT!!! She was pissed that her daughter called me first before anyone else. The daughter told her that she called me and that I had helped her get through that first night. She was also pissed that I didn't call her right away to inform her of her daughter's distress. (Like I was going to betray the girl's trust. NOT!!)
Fast forward two years and she's pregnant again. By some guy that wanted her to get another abortion. (She never did tell me who he was.) But she decides to have this one on her own instead.
I get a call at 1 a.m. and it's my Ex asking me to come to the hospital. Her daughter is in labor and is asking for me. I comply and when I get there the daughter has the Nurse remove her mother (Who did NOT want to leave.) from the delivery room.
After the birth of her son, her Mother got me to the side and finally asked, "Why is it that she ALWAYS reaches out to YOU when she is in need? I have done everything for her and "I" was with her at every one of her Lamaze Classes so I could be with her at the birth of my grandchild, but she put me out and brought you in. You two ALWAYS fought like cats & dogs while she was growing up and she'd come to me in tears telling me how unfair and mean you are. I don't understand."
I told her that children NEED their parent to be a PARENT and not just another friend in their life. I told her that I too had asked the daughter why she called me that night and not her Mother.
This is what she told me, "My Mom or my Dad would just say whatever they thought would make me feel good, even if it wasn't the truth or what "they" really thought. You have NEVER lied to me and always told me what you thought even if it upset me. I always knew, even when we fought, that even though you aren't my REAL Dad that you do Love me as if I were one of your REAL daughters. You never treated me any different than you did your own daughters."
Later that day I was alone with the daughter in the recovery room and I told her how upset her Mother was. She said to me, "Had it not been for you 2 years ago, I would most likely have killed myself that night. Also, due to you being truthful with me I was OK with getting pregnant again. To be honest though, I was just REALLY scared and wanted YOU here because I KNOW that YOU would not let anything happen to me!! Thank you, I now have a beautiful baby boy to Love & raise."
I hadn't seen her in person since just before she went into the Army. Almost 7 years had passed between then and the birth of her son.
At no time while raising her would I or anyone else have ever thought that she would've reached out to me of all the people available to her in her times of need.
I'm just very very glad that I was available to her at those pivotal moments in her life.
She taught me that you can never really know to what extent your interactions with children will affect them.
The point of my long winded stroll down memory lane here is,........... for YOU to just be YOU and keep doing what you FEEL/THINK is in the best interest of you & your family. Add to that making damn certain they KNOW & FEEL that THEY are the most important priorities in your life and that you Love them no matter what.
Ok, enough of an Old Man's ramblings.
Carry on everyone.
lulz
No matter how this turns out, Teenage Stupidity thinking such things are funny to talk about or she is/was serious, both you and your girlfriend will never be able to trust her as you once did. You will always have this in the back of your minds.
So "you" will have to decide how to deal with it within yourself as well. Your GF will be hit harder by this than you so keep that in mind also.
I have no answers for you. I can only try to forewarn you of things you may need to think about that may not have crossed your mind while in the moment of crisis tonight.
Unfortunately the die has now been cast for a long lasting mental/emotional wound that will need attention for some time to come. I wish you well and think that you are doing the best that you can at your present level of awareness.
I commend you for taking action. You cannot Mollycoddle her in this situation. It was her who initiated this by using either poor judgement or having a problem she doesn't understand how to deal with properly.
Since you are an adult filling the role of a parent/guardian of your GF's daughter's welfare & the rest of the family, you are doing the natural thing here.
No child under legal age has any such thing as a "RIGHT" to total privacy. They are still LEARNING how to interact with the world around them as their Biology changes and their minds are learning how to function. As parents it is our duty to instruct and guide them to the best of our ability so that they can have a full life. Whatever that might turn out to be.
We must also PROTECT them and ourselves. If you were teaching her to shoot a gun and she pointed it at you or looked down the barrel or pointed it at her foot while it was loaded you would stop her and then explain WHY those actions are DANGEROUS and unacceptable right?
As with anything (Thoughts or Actions) that could harm her or others, you would want/need to intervene to protect and teach her a WISER WAY of doing or thinking.
I got to deal with both my own children (2 daughters) and older step children (Son & Daughter older than my own.) through various marriages.
My experience may give you something to think on, I dunno?
I was in my step daughter's life from the time she was 12 until she was 19 years old and went into the Army to piss off her Biological Father.
As she was growing up she had told me on many occasions that she hated how her Mother seemed to pay me so much attention and that she was jealous of it.
Her mother let her get away with WAY to many things in "my" eyes. She wanted to be her daughter's FRIEND, not her Mother. Well, I had already been a father of two girls for sometime before Her and her children had come into my life. So, I was just going to be their Step-Dad. Not their friend.
Their Mother use to get upset when I wouldn't let them have their way. And even more upset if I were to discipline them. ( I never hit, spanked, or did anything physically harsher than restrain them from trying to hit someone.)
A few years after their Mother and I were divorced & they were adults now, the daughter was pregnant and got an abortion but didn't tell the family. She called me that night after she had it done and was beside herself. I talked her through her feelings over the phone and felt her PAIN as best as I could.
A week later I get a call from her Mother (My now Ex.) who proceeds to BITCH ME OUT!!! She was pissed that her daughter called me first before anyone else. The daughter told her that she called me and that I had helped her get through that first night. She was also pissed that I didn't call her right away to inform her of her daughter's distress. (Like I was going to betray the girl's trust. NOT!!)
Fast forward two years and she's pregnant again. By some guy that wanted her to get another abortion. (She never did tell me who he was.) But she decides to have this one on her own instead.
I get a call at 1 a.m. and it's my Ex asking me to come to the hospital. Her daughter is in labor and is asking for me. I comply and when I get there the daughter has the Nurse remove her mother (Who did NOT want to leave.) from the delivery room.
After the birth of her son, her Mother got me to the side and finally asked, "Why is it that she ALWAYS reaches out to YOU when she is in need? I have done everything for her and "I" was with her at every one of her Lamaze Classes so I could be with her at the birth of my grandchild, but she put me out and brought you in. You two ALWAYS fought like cats & dogs while she was growing up and she'd come to me in tears telling me how unfair and mean you are. I don't understand."
I told her that children NEED their parent to be a PARENT and not just another friend in their life. I told her that I too had asked the daughter why she called me that night and not her Mother.
This is what she told me, "My Mom or my Dad would just say whatever they thought would make me feel good, even if it wasn't the truth or what "they" really thought. You have NEVER lied to me and always told me what you thought even if it upset me. I always knew, even when we fought, that even though you aren't my REAL Dad that you do Love me as if I were one of your REAL daughters. You never treated me any different than you did your own daughters."
Later that day I was alone with the daughter in the recovery room and I told her how upset her Mother was. She said to me, "Had it not been for you 2 years ago, I would most likely have killed myself that night. Also, due to you being truthful with me I was OK with getting pregnant again. To be honest though, I was just REALLY scared and wanted YOU here because I KNOW that YOU would not let anything happen to me!! Thank you, I now have a beautiful baby boy to Love & raise."
I hadn't seen her in person since just before she went into the Army. Almost 7 years had passed between then and the birth of her son.
At no time while raising her would I or anyone else have ever thought that she would've reached out to me of all the people available to her in her times of need.
I'm just very very glad that I was available to her at those pivotal moments in her life.
She taught me that you can never really know to what extent your interactions with children will affect them.
The point of my long winded stroll down memory lane here is,........... for YOU to just be YOU and keep doing what you FEEL/THINK is in the best interest of you & your family. Add to that making damn certain they KNOW & FEEL that THEY are the most important priorities in your life and that you Love them no matter what.
Ok, enough of an Old Man's ramblings.
Carry on everyone.
lulz
+1 to all hellblazer said.
Def don't put her on meds. Try to understand wtf is going on? Smng is wrong in her life, and meds won't fix it! And she has to see that you/or her mother love/trust her - buying locks to your bedroom door is worst thing you can do! Don't hide - do smng. Best thing is to take her on vocation, couple week or so, I guess just her mother and she would be best - and to have couple of talks, without pressure - there have to be reason why she acts like this. Seems she is unbappy, and blaim you in this. Meds will never fix it.
Def don't put her on meds. Try to understand wtf is going on? Smng is wrong in her life, and meds won't fix it! And she has to see that you/or her mother love/trust her - buying locks to your bedroom door is worst thing you can do! Don't hide - do smng. Best thing is to take her on vocation, couple week or so, I guess just her mother and she would be best - and to have couple of talks, without pressure - there have to be reason why she acts like this. Seems she is unbappy, and blaim you in this. Meds will never fix it.
Here you go, allow me to welcome you to the wider lexicon of colloquial English expressions.
It's going to be a big year for you.
Not always. A good friend of mine was the key witness here (the one whose photo is at the top)
Emily Longley trial: Elliot Turner 'practised strangling technique on friend' | Mail Online
@Ice, I'll reply to your comment, but I'm too tired to post coherently atm
Here you go, allow me to welcome you to the wider lexicon of colloquial English expressions.
It's going to be a big year for you.
You wrote "carrot/stick".
It's going to be a big year for me because I'm not familiar with the saying?
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