What Do You Do When Your Kids Want To Kill You?

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soulbyproxy said:
So your parents didn't raise you this way then. How did you arrive at this philosophy of child-rearing?
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I recall being spanked and slapped across the face once or twice. I was yelled at and threatened with abandonment several times, but aside from that, they were overall loving.

How I performed in school was entirely left up to me. I didn't get grounded for bullshit grades as they had some confidence with my abilities in computers.

Am I perfect though? Fuck no, I have a short temper and I'm constantly battling my eagerness to control my children and not to raise my voice. But I've always told myself to keep my mind open and process new information without bias. That's how I went from a Christian to an agnostic to an atheist... to a republican to a minarchist to an anarchist.
 


I'm not going to pretend I know what I'm talking about because I don't have any kids. All I know is mental issues are not a pleasant thing to see in the family (we've dealt with some in mine). All the best to you and your family and I hope you get through this smoothly.
 
Assuming she really does harbor feelings of sexual arousal tied to violence and is not just roleplaying for her BF's benefit (unlikely and twisted as that may be in and of itself, at any age but especially for a 15 year old) To find the root cause of her misguided sexual/violent fascination is the key to real cure imo; although it might be possible to start treatment based on the apparent facts.

I'd seek out a real sex therapist - well versed in violent/sexual tendencies. This young lady has some serious issues if violence/sex are intermingled in her mind.


I have 2 teens - really sorry to hear of your problem and I wish you and your entire family all the best in finding the solution. And although this is a Very Serious situation - try not to lose sight of the fact that she is really just a mixed-up kid .
 
Napolean said:
http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog...ed-their-egalitarian-ways-three-complementary

It's not exactly "new age".
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New Age - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

That works well in hunter-gatherer societies where children accompany their parents to work, and start manual labor at a young age.

You go to rural villages in South America and you see kids working their butts off. In the jungle your environment teaches you, so parents can afford to be a bit lax.

That doesn't work quite the same in our compartmentalized society. Sitting in front of a TV 18 hours a day with chicken nuggets in the microwave and a nintendo in your hands doesn't educate you.
 
dreamache said:
But if you want your kids to do well in school, instead of threatening them by taking away personal possessions, tell them "You can perform however you want. Just understand that if you fail or flunk out, it'll severely impact your ability to get a good job later in life. It's your decision, it's your life." Teenagers aren't stupid, they get it.
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LOLOL Good lord. Children, ESPECIALLY TEENAGERS, could give two shits about getting a 'good job' and that type of long term thinking. Kids think in the now, that is how they are wired. Have you talked to a teenager lately? They may not be unintelligent, but they are pretty f'n stupid, and short sighted.
 
I'm a little surprised by all of this arguing as to what parenting system is better.

What's better is what works for each individual child.

If you apply a one size fits all approach to parenting based on your own experiences or ethics you'll end up with some kids who mesh with it perfectly and some who don't.

When I didn't do well in school I got disciplined (in one case rather severely) because my parents recognized that I was extremely bright and my poor performance was a result of me not doing work when I didn't enjoy doing it. And that discipline helped me in a positive way, it helped me have a work ethic from a relatively young age.

On the other hand when my younger sister didn't do well in school she was not disciplined at all. She was supported, given encouragement, and access to any help she needed. For her it wasn't a matter of not caring or being lazy, she struggled even when she gave her all. They talked to her about the importance of working hard and persevering even when things aren't easy and encouraged her to explore what she was good at out of school.

I remember as a kid being very angry at the difference in treatment, telling my parents over and over that it wasn't fair. But looking back, if my sister was treated like I was, she would have learned to hate school and would have had a harder time getting through it so that she could continue on to try to achieve her dreams. And if I was treated like my sister was, it is very possible that I would have lost sight of my dreams because it was just too damn easy for me and I could just get by without doing any work.

I think just about everyone in this thread is wrong about parenting because you are starting from an ideological viewpoint when you should be starting from what type of person your kid is.
 
The important thing is that your kids grow up to be confident, independent, self-sufficient and have a good understanding whats right and wrong. With those skills they should do well in the world. I don't think it matters how you accomplish those things as long as you do.

Personally I don't believe you should force your dreams and goals for your child on them. Let your child figure that out on their own, just make sure you build them the best foundation / bases you can.

Just remember the first 18 years of your child's life will prepare them for the rest of their life, so as difficult as it may be to give your kid a smack on the bottom or put them in timeout, maybe that's what they NEED to follow down the right path. If you have a method that works and your child responds that's fantastic, especially if you don't need to lift a finger.

I recently read a book which has huge reviews on Amazon: [ame=http://www.amazon.com/Setting-Limits-Strong-Willed-Child-ebook/dp/B000S1LHIK/ref=pd_ys_iyr76]Setting Limits with Your Strong-Willed Child: Eliminating Conflict by Establishing CLEAR, Firm, and Respectful Boundaries (Setting Limits Series): Robert J. Mackenzie: Amazon.com: Kindle Store[/ame]

The book makes a lot of good points. The long and short of it is that it comes down to communication (how you ask / tell your child to do something).

Anyway just my 2 cents, but I don't think anyone here can criticize anyone else for their methods. Each parent has their own methods and you should stick to what works for you.
 
Thanks to everyone who PM'd or Skyped me regarding this.

I really appreciate the show of concern and empathy.

She's been home for two days now after spending 11 days in a treatment facility.

I'm not sure they "did" anything though, because they weren't able to tell us anything definitive.

Right now, we're getting her set up with some after-school counselling, and rearranging the schedules so that we can make family therapy sessions a few times a week.

She's sleeping in her room right now, and I'm tired as hell, but I don't think I could sleep even if I wanted to.

I'm going to close this thread, but I wanted to thank everybody who reached out.
 
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